The Bluest of Blue Eyes
by Pockets Full of Sunshine
Summary: Castiel is the youngest of the angels, and all of the important things happened when he was too young to understand. Like why humans are made and Lucifer Fell and Gabriel left and why Michael stopped loving him. Brotherly fluffy/angst.


I'm pretty sure it doesn't say this one way or the other in the show, but I have a headcanon that Castiel is the youngest angel in Heaven and that's why there's so much that he doesn't get. I also think that what Lucifer says about God planning everything even down to him getting thrown in Hell pretty much means Cas was created with the worst luck ever.

Also, note: Azazel did, in fact, start out as an angel.

Disclaimer: only own what you don't recognize.

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"Bluest of Blue Eyes"

When the youngest and last of the angels is created, Lucifer is the one who gets to hold him first.

He's very small, much smaller than usual fledglings, and has eyes as blue as Michael's and wings the darkest he'd ever seen. It's been a while since a new brother was created and though many other angels apathetic to this little one, he, his older brother, and Gabriel are admittedly all a little fascinated. Father won't say much, but there's something big planned for him - as in, archangel big. This is both interesting and terrifying. Lucifer doesn't want to see anyone else suffer this fate.

"I'm oldest," Michael says, "I should get to hold him first."

Instead of answering, he tickles the young angel's stomach, making him giggle. It's been so long since they've had a fledgling that Lucifer had actually started to forget what they acted like. He thinks that Raphael must have no heart to skip out on this, especially since this is the longest he and his older brother haven't gone without fighting in a long time. "We still need to name him," he reminds them before Michael suddenly steals little one straight from his arms.

"We still don't know his duty," he says. Lucifer looks at the smiling fledgling and wonders why such a naive, innocent thing has to have some very important prophecy. It doesn't seem fair, though he's steadily learning that Father doesn't care much about fairness. Father who also is allowing them to choose a name rather than do it himself for the first time in ages. Michael continues, "Something ending in _el_, though, I think. It's been too long since we've had a traditional one."

Gabriel tries and fails to snatch the fledgling away. By this point it's been long enough that this _has _to be considered hogging. Now that they're next to each other, face to face, he sees that the youngest's eyes are actually bluer than his older brother's. Blue like the clearest, brightest ocean instead of blue like the midday sky. "And something with Cas in it too, maybe," he says. Cas for the sea and el for the angels.

Finally Gabriel does manage to steal him away, using some minor trickery. Lucifer feels proud, being the one to teach him and call. "Casiel?" he answers, scrunching up the bridge of his nose and holding the fledgling at arm's length instead of cradling him. "That sounds weird. Needs something else in there too."

"Like what?"

Then the fledgling tries to say something before Michael can add more, but all that comes out is a "tu-tu-tu -" before he cuts himself off, pouting. Presumably he's trying to say _titea__, _which from the smile he gives, Gabriel must understand. "Castiel!" he says and moves his arms back and forth, making the newly named angel's face begin to crumble into tears.

Before the crying can start, Lucifer takes him back, not missing Michael's frown for not getting there first. "Castiel," he repeats and now that he's still again, the fledgling giggles, snuggling in closer to his chest. He's so small, even with his youth taken into account.

"He likes it," says Michael mildly. "Isn't that right, Castiel?"

Gabriel leans over and Castiel makes little grabbing motions towards him. Personally Lucifer doesn't think that's supposed to be an invitation to be held, but his brother takes it that way anyway. At least he holds him properly this time. "We can call him Cas for short," he says, even though they all know Cas will turn into Cassie at some point because that always seems to happen. "Okay, Cas? And then Luci and I can show you _all _the -"

"Two of you are bad enough," their oldest brother says and tickles Cas' stomach like Lucifer did earlier. Even for a fledgling, his laugh is sweet. "Don't even make me think of getting a third one in the family."

This isn't supposed to be meant as an insult, he knows, but lately they've been fighting so much that it takes an real effort to remember that. "Aw, come on, Mickey -" His brother shoots him a glare for the nickname as if that's _so _much worse than Luci. "- don't be like that! Look at how long his wings are! He's going to be fast, which is just perfect and adds another one to distract Raphael from the archives!"

Even Michael can't help but smile at that. "Well, at least wait for when he's a little older," he tells them. "No need to start training him up when he can't even speak."

Gabriel protests and Lucifer takes the fledgling back, looking into those bright, bright blue eyes. Yes, he thinks, little Castiel really will be great at mischief. Destiny can wait.

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Not long after Castiel is old enough to begin to remember, Gabriel takes him for a trip down to Earth.

Technically, he's too young for this, but he and his brothers have always given him something of an exception. Even Gabriel will admit that they dote on him a little too much, but until recently he never thought it was much of a problem. He and Luci had grand plans for their little fledgling here, ready to make him understand fun and games and pranks; Michael is around just as much, making an effort to intervene. Lately, though, his two older brothers have been fighting much more than usual and Cas is around them enough to understand that something isn't right. It scares him and today is a bad one, so Gabriel takes him down Earth for a little adventure.

They go right up to the seashore and the water is the same color as his eyes. A little fish swims by and he bends down, moving to grab it. Before he can, Gabriel picks him up, removes him from harm's way.

"Mustn't step on that fish, Cassie," he tells the youngest of the angels. "Father has big plans for that fish."

His little brother has never been a particularly quiet one thanks his and Luci's greatest efforts, but he watches the tiny fish swish its tail through the water in a sort of silent awe. He's bigger now, though not by much. Lightning courses through the sky and the ground shakes. Cas flinches. Every angel knows what's going on, but despite his age, he gets it knows almost as intimately as all of the archangels. Gabriel blames himself for that and maybe Mickey and Luci too because names are power and the four crafted his together. He curls up as another bolt of lightning flashes through the sky, pulling his wings protectively around himself in a way that other angels don't.

Cassie is a little odd like that.

He looks down at the little bundle in his arms, thinking. "Do you want to go for a walk?" he asks. "We can go for a walk on the ocean if you promise not to step on the fish."

With a nod, his brother answers, "I promise."

Gabriel smiles and places him to the ground once he starts wiggling, making sure to keep their hands together. The ground isn't shaking as much now, though the sky is still at war. They walk over the water, getting sloshed around by waves and weaving around the animals. Father has something planned and it scares him because Castiel has something to do with it. Hopefully not until after he can fly of course, something Michael wants to teach how to do personally. Comparatively, his wings are small but for a fledgling they're long much like Lucifer's and Michael taught him. His wings flutter uselessly, pushing back the waves. Together, they watch the creatures in the water and pointedly ignore the sky.

Though he doesn't want to acknowledge it yet, Gabriel understands more than he ought to and tells himself that he's never going to leave little Cassie alone.

.

It takes a much shorter amount of time than it should have for Gabriel to break the promise to himself. Cas is smart, though - intuitive and small and maybe he and Luci taught him a little too well. As he prepares the leave, he finds his youngest brother standing in front of him, looking at him with those wide, wide bright blue eyes.

"Please don't," he says, hugging Gabriel around the middle and burying his face into his stomach so his voice comes out muffled. "It doesn't have to be bad."

With a sigh, he puts his hand on the top of Cas' head, running his fingers through his hair. "It's going to, Cassie," he tells him. "There used to be a time when our brothers got along. You're just too young to know that."

"Then take me with you!" They really did get him too involved, much more than they should have. "Please, Gabriel? Please? I heard Mickey say he's scared Luci's going to leave too."

And it's not just Mickey who's afraid; Gabriel is too and that's why he needs to leave. He's sick of watching his family tear itself apart. Unsure how to explain that, he untangles himself from his brother's hug and knees down so they're eye to eye. He holds Cas by his shoulders. "Remember when Michael brought you to Jerusalem?" he asks. "And told you it was going to last for thousands of years? Well, here's a little secret: it's going to fall. A lot. But it's always going to come back."

"What? Why -"

"Our family's like that Cas. This is all going to end one day and then I'll come back and we can go all around the world again."

Cas starts to cry. It's soft and heartbreaking. Soon Gabriel needs to leave or his brothers will catch on. "Can't we make Luci not hate them?" he says. "Then will you come back?"

Rather than speak, Gabriel kisses his forehead and stands. "I love you, Cassie," he answers. "Don't forget what I taught you."

"At least -"

But then he's gone and the last bit of Heaven that he sees is his favorite little brother begin to sob.

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Not long after Gabriel leaves, Lucifer Falls. To Michael's horror, Cas comes by at the exact moment to watch it happen.

The young angel has never seen anyone else Fall and he's too angry at his brother and disappointed in himself to be able to calm down the child. Part of Cas' right side is singed because Lucifer's Grace is powerful enough to hurt him. Michael should help him, heal him, try to explain that despite what this may seem, this is all in Father's plan. That last bit, though, is why he can't find it in himself to move. Unlike Lucifer, he trusts his father and will do anything asked of him, but a small part of him still refuses to believe that he let the little brother he raised just _Fall _into the newly formed Hell like that, ready to be tortured until the day a mortal releases him.

Cas is all part of this too, somehow, on a different level than any angel other than Raphael and himself. Michael looks those black wings, all long like Lucifer's and thinks, I can't let this happen again. He stares for a moment at his little brother's tears and makes one the most regretful decisions of his existence.

He kneels down, plucks out one of Cas' feathers, making him squeak in pain. Then Michael holds it up right in front of his face and says, "Look at this. This is _you _and you'll need it to protect yourself one day. When you raise the Righteous Man from Perdition, this will still be there. These dark feathers? They're the reason you'll survive."

Naturally, his little brother looks confused, but he doesn't have it in him to explain. "A-are you throwing me down there too?" he asks, watching as Michael tosses his feather into the world of his brother's eternal torment. "But, Mickey -"

When he grabs Cas' arm, he admits that it was unnecessarily hard. "Lucifer and Gabriel are already gone," he says, trying to convey a message he doesn't entirely understand himself, "and it will happen to others. Be good, because I don't want to see it happen to you, too."

"Mickey -"

"You need to grow up, Castiel."

Those already big eyes go even wider. None of the three brothers have said his full name more than a handful of times since they first named him all those years ago. He knows, too, that this is unfair because by angel standards, Cas shouldn't even be taught how to fly yet, let alone learn anything other than how to be a good soldier like the rest of the family. Lucifer and Gabriel are gone and this little one is following the same path. Michael doesn't think he can handle watching this happen again to someone he loves so much.

Cas lowers his gaze and nods in silent acceptance like he's supposed to. Michael knows it was harsh and perhaps he should have been kinder.

Even so, he flies away without an apology.

.

After this, Castiel is ruined.

His first garrison leader is an angel named Azazel who will later Fall as Luci - no, Lucifer - had. As Castiel lived the earliest years of his existence raised by the archangels rather than in a collective group of his own age group (which there isn't anyway because he is the youngest by many, many years), he is simultaneously the best in his garrison and the worst. The best because he can fly faster and steadier than the others and knows tricks only a select few of his superiors can do; the worst because he was taught emotion and mischief and love rather than obedience.

Azazel spends much of his time drilling this disobedience out of him, filling his mind instead with all the ways to be the perfect soldier. He's given the title of Angel of Thursday, which is essentially saying he's useless. When he tries to search for Gabriel, his leader catches him and throws him in prison. Michael takes him straight back out because he's too young and doesn't even spare him a glance. He doesn't know when his oldest brother stopped loving him, but it happened. All this thrown together makes him miserable.

Then Azazel drills that out of him too and he stops feeling much at anything these days.

(that also has to do with a visit to an angel named Naomi but he doesn't remember)

A few years before the Roman Empire falls, he finally makes friends - Balthazar, Rachael, Anna, etc. He's happy but it's a strange, subdued sort in complete opposition to what he was before. Azazel Falls around the same time and again Castiel is there to witness it, though this time the rest of the garrison is with him. It's all anyone can talk about for a while and Anna asks one day why he never joins in. He deflects the question, changes the subject because thinking about it is hard enough. He misses Luci too much, and Gabriel, and Mickey before he became Michael again and stopped talking to him. Even surrounded by brothers and sisters, Castiel feels as if his real family is gone.

Most of all, though, he doesn't talk about Azazel because there's not much he can say. Instead he looks down at his undamaged Grace and wonders why this time he didn't burn.

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The day that Castiel raises Dean Winchester from Hell and the beginnings of his destiny begin to fall into place, Michael goes to find him.

He's still on Earth, too exhausted to make it back home, and curled up inside his wings. It reminds Michael quite painfully of the fledgling he and Lucifer showed the savanna to once, and how afraid he was of the elephant parade. Back then the length of his wings was useless for anything other than hiding. That was before he personally taught him to fly.

Gently, he touches his hand to his little brother's hair, the one part visible, and kneels down. The wings fluff out and Castiel peeks over the edge. "Hey, Cassie," he says, using his old nickname. "How're you feeling?"

His eyes are duller than they used to be, which frightens him. He's not omnipotent and hopes that no one did anything to the second little angel he raised. Still, Castiel hurts to look at because all he can see is the day he and his brothers stood around to name a fledgling with the bluest of blue eyes. There's a reason why Michael has been avoiding him all these years; he's a reminder of the last few days they were all a family when everything was good and right.

"Normal," Castiel answers, though that's doubtful. His shoulders shake and on his left hand is another steadily healing burn. "Did I do well...Michael?"

The hesitation before his name is clear. Years and years later and in Castiel's mind he must still be Mickey. No one calls him that anymore. "Exactly as you were supposed to," he tells him and the words taste of poison. Lucifer and Gabriel's protege turned into another one of Heaven's perfect soldiers. He just hopes his little brother understands he did this to protect him, though now he knows his destiny and realizes he made it worse. "Did you find the feather?"

With a rustle, his wings fall open and he pulls a feather from the inside of his vessel's coat. Gabriel threw him off a cliff once to see if he could learn to fly that way and Michael and Lucifer yelled themselves hoarse. "It was beneath the rack," he says quietly, holding it out. "I - Is he really down there?"

For a moment he's there again, their Cassie looking for answers to all his endless question back when he remembered how to speak. Even though he avoids him, Michael still hears rumors. According to Zachariah, the new leader of the garrison, the youngest one only speaks when spoken to, even among his friends and inferiors as he rapidly gains ranks. Azazel practically brainwashed him and he wasn't there in time to make a difference.

He doesn't know how to answer that, so he hooks his arms under Castiel's and says, "Let's get you home and healed up for now. Then we talk." As he used to, he holds his youngest brother tight in his arms and carries him back to Heaven.

They never do end up talking.

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Realistically, Gabriel knows he should have seen this coming. The Winchesters _are _Cas' charges, after all.

And he sees it, for a split second, how utterly shattered his baby brother seems at his reappearance, duct tape plastered over his mouth and bridge of his nose bleeding. Suddenly he wants to end this stupid pocket world he made as a lesson and go somewhere nice and quiet and let Castiel yell at him for as long as he needs. He named this kid, dammit, and yet the situation has become so screwed that it's Dean Winchester jumping to the defense of the angel _he _should have kept on raising. From what he's managed to gather through all these years of eavesdropping, after Lucifer Fell, Michael didn't exactly do a stellar job, throwing him off to the side like he was someone normal.

But this is a lesson that needs to be taught so he him zaps off to a pocket world filled with cats and floral wallpaper until he finishes this. It isn't until three days later that Castiel finally finds him. They're in a field, alone. His brother doesn't yell.

"I'm sorry for leaving," he says, and genuinely means it. Somehow, over the past however many years, his brother's wings have darkened further. The edges of some feathers are still stained with the black of Hell. Fate really is cruel so it's no wonder that Castiel fights so damn hard against it. It's what Gabriel and Lucifer taught him, after all, and maybe they did it a little too well. "I know it isn't enough, but I'm -"

For humans, they all must seem so old but for him, Cas is still so young so it's really no surprise when he gives the childish answer of, "You promised this would end and you'd come back." Then, less childlike: "You never said 'the end' meant killing all of humanity."

Okay, so he deserved that one. "I guess I should have explained more," is all he can come up with.

"Michael did." Gabriel doesn't like the tone he's using - or, well, the lack thereof. The Cas he left was expressive and talkative. This new one seems emotionless and already tired from all the speaking he's done over the past few days. He wonders which dick stole his brother and forced him to be normal. The moment he finds out, he's cornering the guy and sending him off to a bad '90s sitcom for the rest of eternity, which includes after the Apocalypse ends. "He said my wings were made like this so I can survive Hell."

There's a light scarring on his brother's Grace that Gabriel realizes is the effect of another angel's Falling. A powerful angel too. Without being told, he understands with sickening clarity that Castiel was there when Lucifer Fell. Which, now that he knows how to look at things from a human perspective, is roughly the equivalent of watching a parent die. All whoever normalized him needed to do was twist that trauma and with Michael out out of the picture...well, it isn't too hard to exploit the littlest sibling.

"I'll come find you," he says before he can stop himself, knowing this can ruin everything if Cas decides to report back to their older brother. "I won't leave you alone again."

Cas tilts his head to the side, listening to a frequency Gabriel turned off over a millenia ago. "My presence is required elsewhere," he tells him. "If you really want to find me, do so." Before Gabriel can say anything, Cas gone, leaving him by himself in an empty field in Switzerland.

Twelve hours later Sam and Dean find a note on Bobby's nightstand that reads, _Take care of your angel._

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When Lucifer finally meets Castiel again, he's so twisted and burned away that he doesn't even realize his brother's fight for free will is exactly what he taught him. Instead all he sees are the burn on his Grace, the Hell on his wings, and the control stuck behind his eyes. He forgets that he named this angel and raised him and protected him. He forgets that that part of this angel he molded on his own.

He doesn't even register than his youngest brother speaks differently and the tortured way he fights for Lucifer's death. Castiel loves humanity and wants to see both Sam and Dean survive and by this point, it's unacceptable. Oh, he still loves him, of course, as he does Gabriel and Raphael and Michael and every other angel that has ever crossed his path. But he's bitter and angry, which turns this love into more of a memory than a concrete emotion. He's incapable of understanding that deep, deep down in the forgotten part of himself Castiel still hopes that Lucifer will come back. He's incapable of understanding that the fledgling he raised still loves him just as much.

He's forgotten what hope feels like. Six months later, he kills his youngest brother without a thought and for the first time since going topside, feels a jagged remain of whatever goodness in his Grace is left float back to the surface. This small doubt is the final push that lets Sam and the unconditional love of his brother take over and jump. In a way, he realizes during the steady fall down, it's Cas who killed him for the second time.

Strangely, he feels no malice.

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The fight between Raphael and Cas is much personal than any other angel can even imagine. When Cas looks at the final archangel, all he sees is his family - Michael, Lucifer, Gabriel. He fights so hard despite his utter inferiority because he knows better than perhaps anyone that this is the last thing any of them would want. He uses tricks he'd thought he'd forgotten and more than once that's what saves him. They're weak compared to the other mischief makers, his teachings cut too soon, but his older brother tends to forget that part of the reason he could go down into Hell _twice _is because some part of Lucifer still loves him.

Then there are the Winchesters and their friend Bobby, the three he considers a new sort of family. They're the reason he remembers free will and fun and that orders are not always the right answers. That the words of a script can be changed. That humanity can still bring pleasure if one only tries. His new family isn't afraid of physical contact all that much and maybe that's the biggest reminder of all. His youth was spent in arms of his brothers or at least a hand grasping his. No other angel alive can understand what it's like to know that and suddenly have it ripped away.

He tells the Winchesters that explaining free will to angels is like explaining poetry to fish. It's the only reference he's ever used that they didn't understand rather than the other way around. Even so, they understand him on a level that other angels can't without realizing it themselves.

After years of betrayal and pain, he still loves his family. And it's this love that makes him desperate. It's this love that makes him Fall.

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Deep, deep down in the Cage after Cassie drags Sam Winchester's body from Hell, Lucifer sits next to his brother, back against a fabricated wall. Adam is off living a dream land because Michael tries his hardest to protect that halfhearted attempt of a short lived vessel from harm. Sam, though, he left without lifting a single protest. There's a reason the kid is one who ended up their chew toy.

"He Fell, you know," Michael says and he doesn't need to specify for Lucifer to understand. "He was also declared the very weak title of Angel of Thursday. If he's still here, then Father raised him back. He didn't even do that with Zachariah or Uriel."

Lucifer is only mildly surprised. He knew from the beginning that his youngest brother's fate was horrifying, which is why he tried so hard to protect him from the world. "That burn," he asks. "Was that from me?"

Michael closes his eyes. "Yes," he answers. "He came to tell me something just as you Fell. And he never stopped loving you, though I'm not sure he ever realized this."

That's why it didn't fade, Lucifer knows. Cassie was barely out of infancy by that point. Ever since Sam left, the Cage has been almost a cleansing experience and this new knowledge makes him feel ill. "Remember that day we scared him with one of our fights and he stayed hidden in that painter's piece of Heaven for a week?"

Lucifer doesn't have many good memories of after humanity was shaped and his existence went to pieces, but when he does think of happiness, he pictures teaching a little fledgling with the bluest of blue eyes a sense of humor and ways to fly.

His brother laughs, a sound he hasn't heard in so many years that he'd actually forgotten it. "Gabriel panicked." He's smiling. "Cut us off in the middle. I think that was the only time."

"All that worry and it's because he blended in with a painting. Our Cassie is a strange one."

Just like that, Michael's smile fades. "He was thrown into the garrison after you Fell. He hasn't been called that since."

And Lucifer honestly knows that he can be spiteful and blame it all on Michael, but instead he says, "We really messed up there, didn't we?"

Michael doesn't say anything, which is answer enough. The space above them turns into the night sky of all those years ago and for a while they just sit there, silent and at peace.

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Okay, I'll be truthful and say I have no idea where this came from. Yet, I'm oddly proud of it. Review, please!


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